Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Friday, June 25, 2010

Steve Martin's tour rider

Tour riders are lists of requirements that musicians have for playing a gig. Van Halen and the M&Ms, right?

Steve Martin is going on a tour with his banjo and a backing band, and his tour rider is doubtlessly more entertaining than the actual show will be.

Best live blog ever?

Xan Brooks of The Guardian's live blog of the marathon Isner-Mahut tennis match at Wimbeldon is fantastic; hilarious, colorful, amazingly well-written on an instant deadline.

As the players battled on and on, Brooks wrote for 11 hours straight. How many ways can you find to describe one player's serve blasting past the other? Many funny ones, as it turns out.

At 4:05 PM, he wrote "The Isner-Mahut battle is a bizarre mix of the gripping and the deadly dull. It's tennis's equivalent of Waiting For Godot, in which two lowly journeymen comedians are forced to remain on an outside court until hell freezes over and the sun falls from the sky. Isner and Mahut are dying a thousand deaths out there on Court 18 and yet nobody cares, because they're watching the football. So the players stand out on their baseline and belt aces past each-other in a fifth set that has already crawled past two hours. They are now tied at 18-games apiece.

On and on they go. Soon they will sprout beards and their hair will grow down their backs, and their tennis whites will yellow and then rot off their bodies. And still they will stand out there on Court 18, belting aces and listening as the umpire calls the score. Finally, I suppose, one of them will die."

Four hours later, he's still writing away: ""John!" chants the crowd. "John! John! John!" They're either calling for Isner or calling for a bathroom break, or possibly both. I'm still not convinced they want Isner to win any more than they want Mahut to win. They just want someone to win; anyone to win. They just long to be released and to go back home. Possibly via the bathroom.

They are chanting "John!" because Isner gets to 0-30 on Mahut's serve and is therefore just two points from victory. Chant all you like, it won't change a thing. Mahut fights back and the score is tied again, at 54 games apiece."

After taking a day off, Brooks was back today, live blogging Wimbeldon for another 6 hours. That slacker Mahut hasn't played since Thursday and won't for a week at least, and Isner only played three quick sets today and now will rest up for a while as well. But Xan Brooks keeps on churning out the coverage.

What is your Brazilian soccer player name?

The World Cup is vuvuzelaing loudly everywhere on earth, and Brazil is of course one of the favorites. So it's a good time to consider the important question of what would be your name if you were a Brazilian soccer player?

According to the Brazil Name generator, Barack Obama would be Obamiano.
For some reason, NBA first draft pick John Wall would be called Winhosa. Dustin Pedroia would be called Pedroiisca. Going through the list of the most popular searches on the internet:
Kim Kardashian would be called Kisco.
Kellie Pickler would be Kelliisco.
Jennifer Aniston would be Anistao.
Lady Gaga would be called Lando.
Miley Cyrus would be called Milildo.
Stanley McChrystal would be Stanlao.

If Brazilian soccer legend Edison Arantes, also known as Pele, were a Brazilian soccer player, his name would be Edisa. Wait, no, I think something's wrong there. Anyway, it's still fun to be Brazilian.


Latest headline news about the super rich.

Saturday, June 19, 2010

Insane Miracles

This video went "viral" months ago, but I never bothered to watch it, not being a juggalo and all. But it is undeniably awesome.

I am not sure what I like best, that Insane Clown posse are fathers ("yeah, my dad is Violent J from ICP.") Or maybe the totally random swearing they bust out in the middle of this song about things they find wondrous. Or the bit they throw in there about a pelican stealing a cell phone in San Francisco. Or the miraculous way that fucking magnets work. Or that Insane Clown Posse flies off in their own spaceship at the end.

They are all miracles. Motherfuckin miracles.

Here's the SNL parody of the video:

And don't miss the Juggalo News Network for all the latest news, from a Juggalo point of view. Slogan: Unfair and Unbalanced.

Friday, June 18, 2010

The Wire meets Toy Story

Well done mashup of The Wire and the animated film Toy Story.

Is Barack Obama a Muslin?

Is Barack Obama a Muslin? That is a very important and controversial issue, amongst people who are ignorant, poor spellers, gullible, and unbelievably stupid.

Some folks say that he is, while other folks say that the question is so moronic that it's not even worth wasting time answering.

So who knows, really? Seems like a 50-50 chance that Obama is actually a Muslin, if my math is correct.

Finally, a website has appeared to give this issue more of an answer than it has ever deserved.

So IS Barack Obama a Muslin? Better keep checking the website every day to see if anything has changed.

Thursday, June 17, 2010

Marlboro Earth: eco-friendly cigarettes

New Marlboro Earth environmentally friendly cigarettes will "gradually eliminate the causes of global warming and environmental destruction at their source."

According to a press release from Philip Morris, the new environmentally friendly cigarettes work by employing powerful carcinogens that accumulate in the lungs of smokers, slowly breaking down their vital organs and eliminating the danger posed to the overpopulated planet by the human race.

"I leave work three to five times a day to stand outside and help the environment," said longtime smoker Sam Davies, an office worker in Raleigh, NC. "And the best thing about them is they make saving the planet incredibly addictive. After only a few hours, I get the uncontrollable urge to go out and help the environment some more."

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Kids these days are soft

In my day, we would kill three British soldiers, get shot, stabbed, and left for dead at age 80, but live for 18 more years.

You tell that to kids these days and they won't believe you.

Bay City Rollers, Ann Margret, and even older people

For some reason, the Bay City Rollers and Ann Margret got together to lip-synch the Rollers' big hit "Saturday Night" for an audience of enthusiastic octogenarians, including a lady with a hearing aid, and another who knits through the whole thing.

Everyone in the audience is now dead.

RIP Jimmy Dean

Jimmy (not James) Dean, country singer and sausage maker, passed away the other day.

Fans of his classic hit song Big Bad John mourn his loss.

This angry sausage consumer likely doesn't though:

Randy Taylor is seriously pissed about his small sausage package.

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Silly song for Sue

This is a silly song for someone named Sue.

Thursday, June 10, 2010

A whirled cup?

There is a sport tournament coming, called the Word Cup. A few billion people are going to go crazy over it. Find out all about it!

Why poor = fat in USA

Whole Foods nickname isn't Whole Paycheck for nothing.

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Connect every band ever

The site Six Degrees of Black Sabbath lets you find a connection between pretty much every major label act ever, no matter how seemingly unlikely.

Example: you can trace a direct path from Hank Williams to Metallica.

How about a multi-platinum rapper and an obscure indie rock band?

Sensitive 70's folkie and wanky 90's emo boys?

Black Sabbath and Lady Gaga? Only five steps separate them.

Swingified rock songs

If there's one thing everyone wants to hear in 2010, it's Swing music.

And now you can listen to Swing versions of classic rocks songs, such as "Every Breath You Take" by the Police, and Journey's "Don't Stop Believin'."

These aren't cover songs; an MIT researcher developed a program called the Swinger can take the original recordings and change the beat, to make them Swing.

Definitely check out the swingified versions of "Enter Sandman" and "Sweet Child O' Mine," they sound downright jaunty and happy.

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Top 10 horrible sports parents

Who knew Cracked magazine could be funny? Who knew Cracked magazine even still existed, especially on this inner net computer thing?

But it does exist, and this compilation of the Top 10 Psychotic Overreactions by Adults at Youth Sporting Events is funny.

I would have ranked the child poisoner a little higher, but that's nitpickery. No need to hire a hitman over it.

Monday, June 7, 2010

Name Of the Year

The Name of the Year blog highlights funny, odd, and unusual names of people that appear in the media-- frequently athletes-- then pairs them off in a bracket, March Madness style, to determine the Name of the Year.

The name of the Year for 2010 has just been announced: Australian Rules football player Steele Sidebottom.

This is somewhat of a disappointment, because even though Steele Sidebottom is a faintly amusing name, apparent ballot-box stuffing by Australian football fans did in some (IMO) superior candidates. In the finals, Sidebottom defeated Cameroon soccer player Banana Yaya, who had surprisingly defeated college track and field competitor Nohjay Nimpson in the semifinals.

Congratulations to Sidebottom on winning the award though.

Not to be missed: the blog's archive features a complete list of all the Names of the Year, going back to the contest's beginning in 1983.

Most recent winners:
2010 Nohjay Nimpson (NOTY High Committee)
Steele Sidebottom (The People)
2009 Juvyline Cubangbang (NOTY High Committee)
Barkevious Mingo (The People)
2008 Destiny Frankenstein (NOTY High Committee)
Spaceman Africa (The People)
2007 Vanilla Dong (NOTY High Committee and The People)
2006 Princess Nocandy
2005 Tanqueray Beavers
2004 Jerome Fruithandler
2003 Jew Don Boney Jr.

Steele Sidebottom is a nice name, but it's no Jerome Fruithandler or Barkevious Mingo.


Since there's a website that carefully compiles all the crazy email forwards that some people like to send to everyone in their address book, maybe those certain people will stop sending them.

If we want to read crazy, lying misleading and/or exaggerated messages on a computer, we can just go to, so stop forwarding those emails please!

If you must forward email messages please check first, and save yourself some embarrassment. To save time, here's a direct link to the Obama page there.